Children of the Dark: All the Lost Souls
by AnnaChase
Summary: 7 Death Eater children are chosen by Voldemort as his future army. They grow up in a secluded environment, without basic needs such as love, or so Voldemort thinks. What will become of them? Are they doomed or merely lost? R&R!
1. Prologue

**Author's Note: **Okay, so this is quite AU. Note that Draco is on the 'good side' in this story, that's why Voldie speaks of 'his betrayal'. I'm still working on the plot, ít'll be quite a long story. There are 7 children in the end as there are 7 sins and 7 virtues, if you look closely each will possess one of those sins & virtues. The chapters after this will be from the point of view of one of the children, a different child every chapter.  
That was about it, I think. Oh yes: Review !! It makes me all happy and heehee it inspires me to write more XD.

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* * *

Children of the Dark: All the Lost Souls**

**Prologue**

There were eight of them. Eight couples, each of them terrified, appearing lost and out of place in the large, wealthy sitting room of the Malfoy Manor. Rabastan Lestrange and his young, new wife Celia, an unequal opponent for her sister-in-law Bellatrix. Celia was carrying twins. Next to them, the Avery's, the Mulcibers, the Macnairs and the Dolohovs; all of the women a protective hand over their swollen abdomens; the man looking tight-faced at a spot on the wall, all to avoid the red gleaming eyes at the head of the table. Theodore Nott and his wife Melusine appeared equally ready to run out the door any moment. Besides them, a proud-looking Amycus Carrow. He and his 15 year younger wife were too expecting their first child. Well past his forties now, it was an occurrence no one had counted on anymore. The man had never had much luck with the ladies . Last were the Malfoys. Narcissa, barely three months pregnant with their second child, looked ill and exhausted. Paler than usual, sallow almost. She was a mere shell of the beautiful woman she had once been. Her husband's complexion was equally unhealthy, but both were relieved to have conceived another child to make up for the disappointment the other has caused the Dark Lord.

"My faithful followers" the Dark Lord spoke at last. None of the women dared to look up at them. Bellatrix Lestrange, seated beside the Dark Lord with her husband Rodolphus, was the only one. She had nothing to fear, for she was not carrying a child.

"You have been privileged to conceive and carry the next generation" Voldemort continued. "Merely because I have allowed you this privilege". His terrifying, red eyes looked at the pregnant women and their husbands before him. "I am not oblivious to the need of infants. They are the future. They will serve me after your deaths, after your ability. But they are also" he paused to let his eyes wander slowly to the Malfoys "a chance of more betrayal, a chance of more blood treachery we detest so. This, we must foresee. Foresee, and prevent."

"What do you have in mind for them, my Lord?" Bellatrix asked, with an eye on her sister's petrified expression.

"The children will grow up in a secluded environment, where they cannot be influenced by things that can lead them to making crucial mistakes. They will grow up to be my Death Eaters, and only that. They will be completely pure".

There was a distinct silence among the eight pregnant women and their husbands. Some faces read utter disgust and outrageousness, others were blank.

"Naturally, since the children all descend from good Pureblood families I see no reason for my plan to fail. These infants you carry now will be my future army. However, there will only be room for two girls. Alecto and Bella are the only women who have served me well. I see no use for more females."

Another noticeable shiver went through the crowd; the thought of being the parents of a third, fourth or even fifth girl now seemed dreadful and tragic. In the silence one could almost hear the desperate women plead for a boy, merely to be able to keep their child alive. It wasn't hard to tell they all wanted this to be over, but then the Dark Lord addressed them again. Not all of them, this time.

"Lucius, Narcissa". The pair looked up at their master with a frightened look. "So far your posterity has not proven to be particularly useful. Draco's defection to the side of the Order of the Phoenix has left me with great doubt as to allow you to carry out the pregnancy of another child".

Narcissa's complexion appeared even paler than before and her fatigue from all the exhausting things happening around her house lately was clearly visible on her face as well.

"But" the Dark Lord continued, "I have made the decision to give you another chance. A second chance to have a child to serve me well. I hope you realise what great an honour this is".

"Yes, my Lord, a great honour" Lucius replied for him as well as his wife. There was some perspiration on his, equally pale as his wife's, forehead and he sat rather stiff in his chair, more so than usual, for his state of fear caused him to tighten the muscles in his body.

"Very well" Lord Voldemort concluded, seeming ignorant to the shiver that went over his followers every time he spoke. All his followers, except Bellatrix. Her features were remarkably relaxed and the only effect the Dark Lord's voice seemed to have on her was that it brought her into a state of intrigue. She alone listened eagerly to his every word. When Voldemort dismissed the assembly she was also last to get up after he had long since disapparated. Once in the hallway Bella quickly approached her trembling sister. "Cissy" she said, grabbing Narcissa's arm. The look she gave her was rather glassy, as if she wasn't really there with her mind.

"Cissy, the Dark Lord was right. This is a great honour, think of the impressive future your child will have!" Bella spoke hastily.

Narcissa merely nodded slowly, and kept glancing at the place where the Dark Lord had stood only moments before. When the silence between the sisters continued, Narcissa suddenly turned around and headed up the stairs, to her room, where it would be safe and where she would not have to think of the dreadful things the future held in store for her little baby.

* * *

Six months later, when all eight women had successfully given birth, the couples found themselves in the same position around the table, the Dark Lord again at its centre. The only difference was there were now nine infants among them. 

"Today" Voldemort started. "We celebrate the birth of the strongest links of my future army. Five strong, healthy boys have been born, and four, equally healthy, girls. Though as I have said before; there is only room for two".

Narcissa, who was one of the four women that had given birth to a girl, held her baby close to her. She had been so relieved when the birth was over; it had been a very difficult labour, but she and the baby were both all right now. A little frail still, perhaps, but healthy. Yet now there was this horrible fear of the Dark Lord hurting, perhaps even worse, her girl. As if it was not bad enough yet that he wanted the children to grow up away from their parents.

The other three women, Melusine Nott, Ophelia Carrow and Eileen Carrow all clutched their baby girls to their chests; appearing equally terrified and desperate as Narcissa.

"Amycus" Voldemort said eventually, after letting them all in fear for a few more moments.

"Yes master?" Amycus, usually a strong and confidant Death Eater trembled like a leaf now, like perhaps his victims were known for.

"What have you named your child?"

"Isis, my Lord. After the goddess of the underworld".

Voldemort nodded shortly before speaking again. "Alecto, your sister, was the second woman to ever join my ranks. So far she has served me well. Her blood runs through your child's veins. She may live".

The relief washing over the Carrows was clearly visible. The trembling stopped and was replaced by a relaxed and content expression. Amycus even produced something near to a smile. His wife looked less happy, still clearly shaken by the position she was in, and could have been in, yet relieved.

"Thank you… thank you master" Amycus started, but the Dark Lord put his hand up in order to silence him. He moved on to the next.

Narcissa, Ophelia and Melusine all gave Eileen glances of envy; they all three wanted to experience her relief, her luck. Yet only one of them could. It was no secret then, that they would give anything to trade with a mudblood, a blood traitor, or even a muggle, if that would give them a chance of a happy life with their newborn baby. Time ticked on very slowly, achingly slow, as they waited for the Dark Lord to speak the next name. One more would be saved, the remaining families torn apart with the inability to ever heal. All three women and their husbands wanted him to continue, so that this dreadful waiting would pass, but they also wanted him silent. To never speak, to not disturb any of them. Leave them be. Melusine's child was already four months old, how would she be able to give it up now? And Narcissa and Ophelia; they had only given birth this week. No matter how old the babies, they were all as attached as possible to their daughters.

"Lucius".

"My Lord?" Lucius' voice too knew a slight tremor, a sign of weakness. He did not look up to his master, his eyes only on his newborn daughter.

"What shall the name of your daughter be?"

Lucius hesitated for a moment before replying, glancing at his wife holding the infant. "Helena".

Voldemort chuckled, a humourless, cold sound very unsuited in this situation. "Helena. Ah yes, she was the most beautiful woman of Greece, was she not?" he said, referring to the Greek Mythology, time of the Trojan War.

"Yes, my Lord." Lucius replied, a little helplessly. At loss for more words.

"Your Helena has the same blood as my Bella, my warrior. Your sister-in-law, and my most cunning Death Eater. Let's hope she will not turn out like her brother."

Lucius looked up at last, an expression of disbelief in his eyes. "Master?"

"Yes, Lucius, you have heard well. Your child too shall live".

"Thank you, my Lord" Lucius said, still full of disbelief and relief. After all his failures he had not expected another chance, but he would take it with both hands, naturally.

The other two couples and their baby girls sat helpless and trembling in their seats, waiting for the so feared next words from their Dark Lord.

The other two, Bella, Rodolphus, take them away.

Without hesitation the middle-aged, heavy-lidded woman and her equally dark appearing husband rose from their seats and took the still officially unnamed infants from their mothers. The two fathers sat dead still, focusing on one point on the wall opposite them, trying to place themselves out of the situation. The women had more trouble controlling themselves; both tried to cling to their daughters desperately, as if they could do anything against the Dark Lord's judgement. Their cries and screams of powerlessness hung heavy in the air of the Malfoy Manor and it did not leave when Voldemort eventually had them removed from the room as well. The silence that followed was only broken by the muffled sound of Narcissa's quiet sobs, emerging from nothing.

"My Lord" she said, letting herself drop to her knees in front of Voldemort's chair, her baby asleep in its mother's safe arms. "I beg you… please". There was no direct response to her words, for everyone knew Narcissa as a very controlled, preserved woman who was wonderfully skilled in never displaying any sort of inappropriate emotions. It just seemed very unreal to have her weeping so uncontrollably on the floor in front of all these people who knew her as a highly respected elite-woman.

"Don't do this to us… my child… I…" Narcissa couldn't even say what she meant. The child started to wake up, startled by its mother's expressed pain, yet unaware that its own life was being threatened at this very moment.

The Dark Lord grimaced, still as cold as every time he did so, as cold as everything he ever did. "Narcissa. I have allowed your daughter to live. Surely you are grateful for this?"

"Yes, my Lord, yes, of course. But I need her close… I cannot…" the blonde trembled at Voldemort's feet with her newborn girl making soft baby noises, not quite a cry.

"I have chosen your child to live above others, and it is not enough for you?" there was a threatening look in his eyes now as well, but wasn't it there always?

'No, master" Narcissa whispered helplessly, her eyes directed on the floor in shame. "My child" she merely added.

"Get up" the Dark Lord stated coldly, and she complied, what else could she do?

"I do not justify your behaviour now, nor do I understand it. Your husband has proved lately, since I have allowed you to carry out this pregnancy, that he is indeed capable of being a good Death Eater. These past few months he has been more help to me than some of my other followers" he paused to let his eyes wander over the other present Death Eaters, all shaking in terror. No one had forgotten what he had just done with Nott's and Mulciber's babies.

"For this you both will be rewarded" Voldemort finally continued to Narcissa, who still had tears pouring down her face. At this, however, she looked up.

"You will be the one to take care of the children. They will need this, especially during their infancy. But mind you, Narcissa, do not weaken them by unnecessary things such as love. They must not know who their parents are for this very reason, and that includes your daughter. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, my Lord" Narcissa said softly, recomposing herself as she became aware of her position. It was so unlike her it visibly frightened even herself.

"Very well. Lucius, Rodolphus, and Bella of course, you will teach the children. Everything they need to know, and I will not be satisfied with anything less than that. When they come of age they will join my army, so by then I expect them to possess the Dark Arts fully."

"Naturally, master" Bellatrix replied and her husband and brother-in-law followed her example.

"The meeting has ended" Voldemort said, now to all the ones present. The tide was high too, the children needed to be fed. But not by their parents. This was it, this was the end. They would not get to see their parents until they came of age, and that was very, very far away. It was torture, to each and every one of them, yet no one dared to say anything, afraid they would follow the faith of the Mulcibers and the Notts. Rather healthy and alive than dead, even if that meant they would not be able to raise the children by themselves. The six couples brought their newborns to the wing in the Malfoy Manor they would live in, and were allowed to say a little goodbye. Not too long, for otherwise they would become too attached. Goodbyes were short, but long remembered. It was torture, and all of the mothers and fathers, no matter how faithful a Death Eater they were, felt hatred against the Dark Lord that infamous night. They would all deny it, but it was there. And it was torture.

* * *

Narcissa sat in the nursery feeding Helena, her sweet little Lena. She was already three months old, and everything about her was perfect. From her blond little hairs to her ten tiny toes. Narcissa fed her, changed her, and held her more than the others, more than allowed. Yet she could not call herself her mother. The baby swayed her little arms through the air playfully when she had finished drinking her milk. Lena looked happy, not in the least troubled like her mother. She had everything her little heart desired, but that of course wasn't much at this age. She had food, toys, and a mother. Though she did not yet know that her mother would soon have to stop whispering sweet nothings into her ear when she cried at night. Very soon. When she would talk, and remember things clearly, it would have to stop. But it wasn't there yet. For now, Narcissa could tell her everything she wanted without the fear of it being discovered. So when her daughter cried, she walked around in the nursery, rubbing her little back, giving her the love any baby needed. 

"Shh, little one. There's no need to cry, mummy's here".


	2. Troy

**Chapter 1: Troy**

**I.**

It seems strange that there are people in the world who take their lives for granted. Strange to us, who have spent every minute since our birth in captivity. Freedom is a cherished thing for those who do not possess it, for others it is merely ordinary. However, I don't suppose we should complain. We get fed like the princes and princesses we read about in the books from the library, we have an ample amount of clothes and get education from probably the most eminent teachers of the Dark Arts. In short, we lead a wealthy life many aspire. We are the elite, the ones chosen for the Dark Lord's future, purest, most capable army. Despite all that, a void remains. An aching, ever-present void that tells us to run away in secret when Mrs. Malfoy takes us out into the gardens of the Manor every Sunday after noon. I try not to give the feeling too much attention; the Dark Lord has brought these faiths upon us, therefore we should be at peace with it. He alone knows what is best, and if he decides we must spend the first seventeen years of our lives in captivity, then we will do that.

We all long for that long-promised day when we will come of age. On that day, we will receive the Dark Mark, and we will be free to serve the Lord of Darkness and help him purify the Wizarding World. Every Mudblood, blood traitor or other scum that I will meet then, I will kill. Kill and torture, all for him and a better world in which Purebloods will reign completely.

Until that day, the seven of us will just have to be patient. That is not always easy, though. When we do something wrong, either with our school work or in behaviour, we get punished. Mrs. Lestrange is particularly fond of using the Cruciatus Curse; I still shiver at the thought of it. I was six years old when I first had it cast upon me, after not having done my homework because I had been ill. I always made sure to do it, after that.

As potential Death Eaters, it is important that we know all about the Dark Arts. That includes boring, historical theories, but if they see the necessity of us knowing those, then we will study them. I always do well in classes, I want them to be proud of me, and I want the Dark Lord to see that I will once make a great Death Eater.

Once a year the Dark Lord comes to see us. Every year on the same date; right before mine and Ralph's birthday. We would be the first two to come of age, therefore the first two of us to become Death Eaters. He would ask our teachers and Mrs. Malfoy how we were doing, if we behaved well, and then he would look at us.

Tonight was the night, and as usual we were all very stressed. Weeks before this particular happening, our teachers had started driving us insane already with fear of what the Dark Lord could or would do if he were not pleased with any part of us.

Isis kept changing her dress, as if it would matter what colour she wore. Dimitri, Jason and Tristan were revising some Dark Arts theories in their rooms; trying to be prepared for anything that might happen, and Helena had locked herself in her own room all day doing Merlin knew what. Ralph read all the time, as always. And I, I was restless. For as long as I could remember the Dark Lord had not had anything to complain about me; I did well in school, was respectful to my elders, and I looked like a healthy, strong young man. Yet there was always the fear. The fear that the Dark Lord would not be pleased and what he would do to us then.

At ten minutes before midnight, Mrs. Malfoy knocked on our doors and made us all stand together so she could see if we looked well enough to face the Lord. This, too, was a known ritual.

"Are these your clean robes, Ralph?" she enquired with a quirked eyebrow. My twin brother quickly glanced down at himself. He was never so neat with clothing and everything.

"Yes ma'am" he said quietly, looking down ashamed.

Narcissa observed him critically for a while and apparently decided it would have to do; better to have a small nearly invisible stain than to be late in the Dark Lord's presence. She ushered us all down the stairs where we were to stand in a line in the hallway, from the eldest, me, to the youngest; Helena. We had never had the Dark Lord actually speaking to us; when we were still children he merely glanced at us and then went to converse with our teachers. But now we were already 15 going on 16, in a year time we would almost be Death Eaters.

"Are they all here, Cissy?" Mrs. Lestrange, whom we usually just referred to as Bella or Bellatrix when she wasn't there, inquired. I always got the impression she'd rather not look at us or contact us in any way when it wasn't completely necessary. Narcissa had once told me Bella just didn't like children very much. She could hardly call us children now, though, we were almost adults. Personally, I thought Bella might be afraid that the Dark Lord would favour her less when we were Death Eaters.

"As you can see, Bella" Narcissa replied. When she wasn't present we, too, just spoke of her as Narcissa, or Cissy even. I was quite sure she knew we weren't always as formal or well-behaved behind her back, but she had never yet mentioned it.

Bellatrix walked over and past every one of us, inspecting for any sign of possible critics.

"Stand straight!" she commanded. "What are you, weaklings?! You're supposed to be Death Eaters so you'd do well to at least look like ones!"

Hastily we all straightened our backs; Ralph, standing besides me, even strained his muscles to look taller than he really did. Despite the fact that he was my twin brother, he didn't look much like me. His hair was a little lighter brown, he was an inch or two shorter, and not as well-built and muscular as I was. Therefore, I didn't have a clue why Helena liked to spend so much time with him.

"Heads held up!" Bella continued, standing still in front of Isis. "What's all that on your face, girl?" she asked harshly, referring to Isis's carefully applied make-up. "I thought I had made clear that it was your destiny to become a Death Eater, not a whore?"

We were all trying to catch glimpses of Isis during these insults; she looked like she was holding back a sob. Isis certainly wasn't the smartest one of us; yet she always tried her best to fit in. She did everything she could to make sure she did. Everything.

"I didn't mean to… I wouldn't…" she stuttered.

"Don't speak unless you're spoken to!" Bellatrix snapped at her, and then turned to Narcissa. "She's your responsibility, why is she looking like this?"

"I didn't think there would be time, Bella" her sister replied calmly. "Anything better than to be late with the Dark Lord, don't you think?"

Narcissa's reply had apparently been the right one, for Bellatrix conjured a tissue out of thin air and handed it to a very miserable Isis. "Clean yourself up, and hurry!"

"He will be here in a minute" Mr. Malfoy announced as he too entered the Malfoy Manor, dressed in a heavy black cloak, just after Isis had come back with a make-up-less face.

All our eyes were directed at the wall as we each tried to look our best; standing straight and tall, the girls trying to look pretty but strong in the same time, and the boys trying to look like the men they were not quite yet.

The Dark Lord always made sure we had to wait just a little longer than we would have liked; so our nerves could stretch and he would make his presence absolutely feared. Tonight, too, he arrived at 5 minutes past midnight looking equally fearsome as he had a year ago, when we had last seen him.

"Lucius, Bella" he greeted his Death Eaters. "Narcissa".

"We are very honoured to have you here at our home, my Lord" Lucius spoke, approaching the Lord along with Bellatrix.

The Dark Lord nodded curtly. "Let us not waste any time. The children?"

Bellatrix guided him over to where we stood, Ralph trembling besides me and I could see from the corner of my eyes that Isis too was shaking in her expensive black pumps.

Just as Bellatrix had done before, the Dark Lord too took our appearance in critically. Starting with me, for I was the first in the line.

"Troy" he said, leaving me in a state of confusion. I didn't know whether to bow, kneel, or say something in return. The others just stood stock still, yet they of course were not addressed. My heard was beating very fast and very loud; I thought he might even be able to hear it.

"How old are you now, boy?" he enquired, his voice sounding very cold, but the power he possessed was clearly there.

"Fifteen, my Lord, sixteen next month" I hastily replied, hoping by Merlin that I was polite enough.

There was a silence then, which the Dark Lord used to watch me. He appeared to have nothing to criticise, but I dared not to cheer too soon.

"And he does well in classes?" he asked, glancing at Bella and Lucius.

"Certainly, my Lord, he is a very diligent young man" Mr. Malfoy replied.

With a short nod, the Dark Lord stepped over to Ralph, and I knew that once again I had passed. Pride filled me up completely; he still saw me fit to become a Death Eater next year and he had even spoken to me! It was almost hard to remember that this 'test' was not yet completely over; I was still being tested at this very moment even though the main focus was now no longer on me. I still had to behave well.

The Lord said nothing to Ralph, nor to Isis, Dimitri, Jason or Tristan. In front of Helena, however, he stood still longer than with the others.

"Narcissa" he then spoke, and she stepped forward. The look on her face showed the confusion we were all feeling.

"My Lord?"

"Are the children all in good health?"

There was a startled look on Narcissa's face for a brief moment only; I had seen it just before she recomposed herself. We all knew why it was a difficult question; Helena was rather delicate and the Dark Lord did not like the weak.

"They are now, my Lord" she eventually replied.

"What of this one?" he continued, watching Helena intently. The girl in question was remarkably calm; I admired her for it, though it would be lying if I said I did not admire Helena for almost everything.

"She looks rather pale".

"She has recently been ill, but she is well now".

"I do not approve of weak Death Eaters, Narcissa" Lord Voldemort replied, still keeping his gaze on Helena.

"I assure you it was nothing of importance, master. A mere virus" Narcissa said in barely more than a whisper. Even now, when she was standing opposite Helena; we could all see their comparison. Yet we never mentioned it.

The Dark Lord accepted Narcissa's answer with a small nod. Without saying a further word, he departed with Lucius and Bellatrix and we were allowed a sigh of relief; we had all passed. I noticed Narcissa laying a hand on Helena's shoulder, looking slightly shaken.

"Come children, it's very late" she said to all of us then. "Let's get upstairs".

Obediently we all did as she said after taking one more longing glance at this part of the house. How wonderful it would be to be free to go wherever we wanted. To not just pass by here once a week, on our way out to the weekly stroll in the gardens. Only one year to go, and we would have that privilege.

"Now I want you all to go to sleep right away, all right? No more talking or hanging around in each other's rooms. It's past midnight" Cissy said, apparently reading our minds on our intentions to chat until the early morning hours.

"Yes ma'am" we all replied, still rather timidly from the situation we had just found ourselves in. Death Eater or not, any meeting with the Dark Lord could result in death.

As said as done. Half an hour later I was alone in my room, getting ready for bed after a quick shower. I was just doing a last re-check on my essay on the Imperius Curse that was to be handed in tomorrow, when I heard a soft knock on my door.

"Yes?" I called out with a frown. I wasn't expecting anyone anymore this late, unless it was Mrs. Malfoy to tell me I really ought to turn off the lights right now?

The door opened, and surprisingly I met the frail frame of Helena, pale and beautiful even in terror and fatigue.

"I figured you'd be up" she said with a smile.

"We're not supposed to be" I replied, worried that Narcissa or Lucius would hear us; their bedroom lay directly below our wing. Despite knowing the risk of what would happen if they did, I found myself wanting Helena to stay. Her company could really lighten up a room. Her smile was always radiant, and her hair, as white as snow seemed to match that description as well. Perfect, in my eyes at least.

"I thought you were really brave tonight. The Dark Lord seemed pleased about you" she said, taking a seat on my bed. "You must be proud".

"I am a little" I admitted, sitting down beside her. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

Helena shook her head, blond tresses dancing around, I noticed, as she did so. "No, I'm fine. I just brushed my teeth. Just wanted to stop by, it seemed so lonely in my room".

"I'm glad you're here". It was odd how I had had a conversation similar to this one with Isis, about a year ago. Me and her had been together for a while, but it was never very serious. It was just like Helena said now: lonely. It had been good to have someone to talk to, and _experience _certain new, probably forbidden things together with. I wasn't sure if they were forbidden, I hadn't ever discussed them with anyone, but they had been so good they had to be. I hadn't felt anything for Isis, though, and even though I knew she did have feelings for me it wouldn't have worked out. It had been just for fun, and to every 'just for fun' thing comes an end.

"Troy, do you think the Dark Lord…" she started, a sign of well-hidden fear shining through in her eyes anyway.

"No" I quickly replied, not wanting to think of anything like that. "You're well again. You're strong now. He wouldn't want to waste a talent as good as yours" I tried to comfort her.

"I hope so". Almost naturally, she leaned in and rested her head against my chest. My arms went around her equally automatically. In my heart I knew this with Helena was much more than 'just for fun'. She was whom I thought about at every free minute during day and night.

"You'll prove him exactly how much you're worth" I said softly into her ear. The kiss that followed too seemed like it was meant to be. It was our first kiss together, but there was nothing odd or awkward about it. Not about the kiss, and not about the feather light touches that followed it.

"Troy, don't" Helena whispered, her eyes wide as she came back to reality and realised the 'forbidden' things we were about to occupy ourselves with. "It's wrong, isn't it?"

I smiled and placed a finger against her lips as I shook my head lightly. "Does it feel wrong to you?"

"Well, no… but what if someone would find out?"

"No one will" I promised her.

That night I thought I was truly happy for the first time. Helena was so soft and beautiful. My desire for her was new in all ways, and what I had ever felt for Isis was nothing in compare to this. It was like all ends were lost on me, and all beginnings too. She didn't let me go as far as Isis would, but that didn't matter. Every moment spent with Helena was heavenly.

The next morning we woke up in each other's arms, the early morning sunlight shining through the curtains. We did not yet realise that Helena would have to rush back to her own room quickly before Mrs. Malfoy and a house elf would come to bring us breakfast. For now we were just caught in the moment, drowsy and sleepy, but happy.

Of course that feeling was not bound to last.

"Troy" Helena's sleepy voice said. "We have to hurry to be on time for class".

"I know" I replied lazily, my fingers twisting curls subconsciously in her straight, beautiful hair. If I didn't stop myself I would be able to stare at just her hair for hours on end.

"I have to look over my essay or I'll be toast". Helena sat up and quickly put on the clothes we had gotten rid of the previous evening. The situation was very odd; when had this happened? Yesterday we had been so shameless and familiar with each other; we had broken through a wall, but was that wall intact again now? Had it built itself up again when we slept?

"Are you serious?" I inquired. "I thought you would be confidant enough to get full marks on it". It was supposed to be just a joke, a little bit of teasing, but I knew right away that it did not sound like that.

"Well, of course I will, Troy, but it's just to make sure it's the best of all of ours".

"Someone else could be the best" I reminded her, thinking of my own essays and other school work that usually were more than sufficient as well.

"They can't be" Helena replied simply, fixing her hair. "It's all of us for ourselves here, Troy. I liked last night, but it doesn't change anything, does it?"

A thing I had not realised before, but saw all too clearly now, was that besides the necessarily differences between us that filled up and corrected each other's flaws, Helena and I also had a great deal of similarities. Similarities that I knew could break the both of us. We both knew an ambition so great that I knew we would not be able to accept each other's success, no matter what our feelings were. We could not forget that we were, above all, children of darkness, of the Dark Lord. We were not allowed to have much feelings, let alone love. Love, we had been taught, was the greatest weakness of all. And I, who had all the power and ability to become one of the most important and well-respected Death Eaters, had for a while seriously considered surrendering myself to it. Almost had I given up my whole future and destiny for someone who was merely competition. How could I have been so stupid? We were here for a reason, not to fool around and have fun. Helena was still so young and naïve, she wouldn't understand yet. She still thought that as long as there was no direct rule that said she could not do something, she could do it. I tried to tell myself that it was a good thing I had realised now, before things got serious, that our relationship was doomed to fail. She was supposed to be happy about that, too.

"No, nothing changes" I agreed with her. I must have sounded somewhat melancholic, for Helena stared at me with a startled expression.

"Lena, I think you should go now. This is a very bad idea". It was easy to see that she did really not understand. How could I explain? How could I justify a mere feeling that I had to follow for both our own goods?

"I don't understand" she said softly. "Because we had fun? I thought you said there was nothing wrong with what we did".

"There wasn't. It has nothing to do with what we did. It's just… We can't be together, Lena. It's not good for us".

"But last night you said…"

"I know what things I said, but I made a mistake. I didn't notice it then, but I do now. Trust me, it's better if we end this now before it's too late". At that moment I knew my heart was broken and it was all my own fault. On the long run, I tried to convince myself, this was the right thing to do, but right now, it just hurt like hell.

**II.**

I knew it was a day different from all the others the moment I opened my eyes. Despite it being only early January, the sun was shining and there was not a single sign of rain at all.

Everything outside proved that it was my day: my sixteenth birthday. I threw the blankets off me and went to take a shower. As I did everything to make sure I looked my best afterwards, I realised that, however special, this was not _the _most special of my birthdays. That would be next year, when I would come of age and celebrate that with a ceremony during which I, and my twin brother Ralph as well, would receive our Dark Mark. It had always seemed so far away: something for the future. Today I realised it was only a year away. One year before I would be as free as I had always wanted. This year would be the last to prove myself worthy as a Death Eater before the real thing started. I wanted to make a good impression when I entered the Lord's inner circle.

"Come in" I answered to the soft knock on the door, just as I finished getting dressed and doing my hair. It was Narcissa and a house elf bringing breakfast.

"Happy birthday, Troy" she smiled and came over to kiss my cheek. She was always there in the mornings and evenings, followed the house elf when it came to bring us breakfast and dinner. Sometimes she even showed up for lunch, too. Narcissa was most like a mother to us of everyone we knew. Of course we knew love was weakness, so we all denied feeling such a thing for her, even when she was the only one of the teachers to wish us a happy birthday, or sit with us for a while when we were ill.

"Thank you, Mrs. Malfoy" I smiled softly. Sometimes I wondered, but I wasn't sure how old she was. In a certain way, she looked very young, but when she was tired or ill there were lines in her face that betrayed she could be a great deal older than we expected. I often wondered what sort of trouble and worries had put those lines there, but most likely I would never find out.

"So how does life look like as a sixteen year old?" she joked, taking the tray of food from the house elf and putting it down on the little table in the corner.

"Much better than yesterday" I chuckled lightly, taking a sip from the glass of orange juice.

"Wonderful, dear. I'll see you for lunch, then" she said before leaving the room. Narcissa's happy birthday wishes were usually the only ones we received, besides those we gave to each other. It didn't bother me much now: those deprivations of little pleasures would only make us stronger in the end. As a child, though, I hadn't understood it so well.

I quickly ate my breakfast and collected the books I would need for today's classes, and remembered I had left my Dark Arts book in Ralph's room the previous night. I knocked shortly and entered without awaiting a reply. I shouldn't have. Ralph was sitting on the bed with Lena, their heads way too close together for my liking. I felt the relaxed look on my face hardening. When I couldn't have her, that didn't mean my twin brother could. The rage I felt was greater than any I had had before.

"Happy birthday, Troy" Ralph said, as if nothing was really going on. He even smiled.

"Lena, leave the room" I said shortly, not wanting her to be involved. This was something between me and Ralph. I didn't blame her; undoubtedly she had fallen for his so-called charms and his sensitivity. Personally, I just thought he was a sissy, unworthy of serving the Dark Lord.

"You can't tell me what to do" she protested, releasing Ralph's hands from her own.

"Yes I can".

"Just go, Hellie" Ralph said gently, stroking her hair back over her shoulder. "I'll talk to you in a minute, before class". Apparently Lena was more sensitive to my brother's words than to mine, for she stood up and departed. I had always hated how Ralph had to call her Hellie instead of Lena. I thought it was a very immature nickname that didn't suit her at all. Lena was anything but immature.

"What do you think you're doing?" I asked Ralph the moment we were alone. It was often a mystery to me how two brothers, conceived and born together, could differ so much. How was it possible for us to feel nothing but rivalry?

"We were just talking, and it's none of your business" Ralph replied, getting up and crossing his arms defensively where I would have drawn my wand, had I been in his position.

"You can't have her" I simply said.

"We're just friends, Troy".

"Don't talk me of such non sense" I harshly said, my eyes darkening even more than the regular colour of black they already were. "I know what you feel for Helena, it's obvious, even if at the moment you really are 'just friends'. "

"You have no right to decide what I can or can't do, Troy. You think you're the leader here, but it's each of us for ourselves, not for you".

"When I can't have Lena, no one can" I almost growled. I was very serious about this. When we were Death Eater, maybe then there would be a chance for Lena and me. I couldn't have her being taken by then, especially not by my brother.

"Don't be ridiculous. You should hear yourself talking!". The look of disbelief on Ralph's face now also had a hint of fear to it.

"I mean it. If I find out that you two are more than friends… You're going to regret it, Ralph". With that I turned my back on my brother, forgetting all about my Dark Arts book. My words had been harsh, but I had to stand my ground. I was the eldest, the leader. One day the Dark Lord would recognise my abilities to be those of great strength and power and I dreamed he would make me his first in command. I would do everything it would take to do that, no matter what. I was going to be a Death Eater.


	3. Ralph

**Chapter Two: Ralph**

"If you all have done as I said and committed yourself to the necessary hours of study, then you will have now achieved our goal for these lessons: possessing the knowledge of the Cruciatus Curse" Bellatrix's voice sounded through the cold, dark dungeons where most of our lessons took place. After understanding, practising and undergoing the Imperius Curse we had now landed on the subject of the Cruciatus Curse, another one of the three Unforgivable Curses that were said to be the key to being a good Death Eater. It was still very early, barely later than 8 AM and yet we were all expected to be bright and ready for another long day of classes. Personally I had always had trouble with being so at this hour, I was more of an evening person. Helena on the other hand seemed as fresh and bright as always and was probably paying the most attention of us all, besides Troy. Hellie really had something to prove, for Bellatrix had always seemed to be particularly harsh on her. No one understood why, though, for she always did her best and never failed to do any homework.

"Understanding the Cruciatus Curse, however, is a completely different story" Bella continued, ignorant to some of the sleepy faces around her including everyone but Helena, Troy and Jason. There seemed to be an eternal battle between these two boys: Jason always envied Troy's position as a leader and as Bella's favourite and was forever trying to overshadow him. So far this seemed impossible, though.

"It is not just a curse, it is unlike any other hex you use when you don't like something someone did. When you use the Cruciatus Curse, you want to cause pain. Real pain that consumes you and takes you over completely. When it's cast upon you, it's like being alone on the world, feeling nothing but pain. Eternal, never ending pain. It makes you want to beg for death, for anything, just to make it stop".

A shiver ran over all of us as Bellatrix spoke of the curse like that. She didn't seem in the least bit impressed that such a thing existed. She spoke almost, as if it were a religion to her to cast such curses on living human beings. It probably was, for we had all heard the way she spoke to the Dark Lord. We all knew the Unforgivable Curses, and especially the Cruciatus, were her speciality. Some of us had had it cast upon us already, so we knew what it felt like. We knew how horrible it was. But we had never cast it.

"But you can't imagine that" she continued, appearing to be on a different planet. She looked like she had forgotten all about us; completely into the thought of having the power over someone with the use of this curse.

Suddenly, she snapped out of it, her wild eyes staring at each of us, trying to catch us at doing something wrong so she could demonstrate, yet again, her favourite curse.

"Isis".

The girl in question looked up, the look on her face no longer dreamy, but terrified. Isis was so often in trouble. She had a bit of a careless nature; could never bring herself to do her homework, always preferred dreaming to paying attention in class. She wasn't lazy, though, that was just me. She was simply no longer motivated, because whatever she did, it was never good enough. She didn't have the brains the other six of us had been blessed with, she needed other ways to get her grades up. It did not shock us at all when we found out Isis slept with Bellatrix's husband, Rodolphus Lestrange, on a regular basis. It wasn't surprising, really. When you lived in our world, very little surprised you still after a while.

"Do you not find my lesson interesting, girl?" The tone of Bella's voice was silken, much less harsh than it should be. This did not mean much good, we all knew that. Perhaps the reason Bellatrix hated Isis nearly as much as Helena was that she knew of her and her husband. I could imagine it would be threatening to her to learn that her husband found pleasure in a girl who was decades younger than she herself was.

"I-I do, ma'am, I just…" Isis stammered helplessly, looking for the words that would save her. Were there any words that could save her?

"Just not as interesting as the clouds outside?"

Isis did not know what to say now; denying Bella's statement would be bad, admitting she was right would be just as wrong.

"I see no reason for you to not pay attention. Perhaps you thought you already possessed full knowledge of the Cruciatus Curse? Perhaps you thought there was nothing new to learn? That you understood it completely?"

I noticed Isis's hands were trembling. To a certain degree I sympathised with her. I had found myself in her situation several times, but where she was incapable I was merely lazy. I could never bring myself to do things I was not interested in. On the other hand: it was her own fault she was in this position. She could have at least paid attention. No one had saved me when I was tortured last month for a simply minority. No one saved Tristan when he had gone through the same, for reading a book from the library that had not been meant to be seen by our eyes. Why would anyone save Isis now? It was all of us for ourselves here, as Troy always said; there was no team spirit or conspiracy as one might think. We all had to fight for our future, to be accepted by the Dark Lord. Even if some of us did not want to. Where would it bring us if he would deny us? We had no knowledge, no thoughts for anything other than serving him. It was how we were made.

"Come here" Bellatrix said without a hint of emotion in her voice, when Isis still struggled to find a capable reply.

We all watched as Isis swallowed and slowly walked forward to the front of Bellatrix's desk.

"I don't deny that you know a thing or two about it" she continued in that silky voice. "Tell me, girl, how many times have you had the Cruciatus Curse cast upon you?"

Isis didn't need much time to think: no one forgot an experience of being crucio'd. The memory of it would haunt you forever.

One might think Bellatrix, as a fan of this Unforgivable Curse, would use it continuously on us, but that wasn't so. When we were young, she had used it as a punishment merely to introduce it to us, to make it something we feared above all others. Later on it had been merely used when we had done something she considered particularly serious. I suppose this kept it the most feared punishment: the fear of it became almost worse than the punishment itself.

"Five… five times" Isis stammered helplessly, shaking all over now.

"Five times" Bellatrix repeated. "And still you don't pay attention". She shook her head, her fingers playing with her wand lazily. "Perhaps, it is time we use something different, then". This confused us all. Was there something worse than the Cruciatus Curse?

"Perhaps if these curses don't help with you we ought to try out something else. It's time you learn a little bit of Muggle culture. Do you know how they punish their children, Isis?"

Isis shook her head. I was unable to say if she looked either relieved or newly terrified at another, undoubtedly unpleasant prospect. Even though we thought nothing could possibly be worse than the Cruciatus Curse, besides of course the Killing Curse (but the Dark Lord decided over our lives, not Bellatrix), we knew whatever she had thought of this time would certainly not be fun.

"Hold out your hand" she commanded without a trace of emotion, opening a drawer of her desk to take out something we did not yet know.

Seconds later she revealed a short, slender rod made of slick mahogany wood. We watched as Isis slowly laid her hand on Bellatrix's desk.

"This points out they're not entirely retarded, those Muggles" Bellatrix said, rolling the rod through her fingers. "Of course it's nothing like the Cruciatus. It doesn't hurt all over, making your bones burn… But it stings, so badly. So much more than you'd expect from such a small, slim piece of wood".

I could see Isis had closed her eyes and swallowed. At that moment I could relate to her so well, more than ever. The humiliation she must be feeling, to have this all happen in front of everyone…. It was perhaps much, much worse than when Bellatrix would just commence with the punishment and get it over with. If I had cared more about Isis, and if this situation had not been entirely her fault, then I could have pitied her. The thing was, we were not taught to pity at all, and I was sure the only person I could ever have such feelings for was sitting next to me.

Bellatrix made sure we all watched as she hit Isis, made sure we heard every one of her gasps.

"This" she said when she finished, leaving Isis red-eyed and clutching her hand, "you should consider as being let of the hook. Let me assure you, there are much, much worse things Muggles do to correct disobedience". Bellatrix paused several seconds to let her words sink in before continuing with her lesson. We were all wide awake now, none of us wanting to be the next to be so thoroughly humiliated and hurt.

"Now, where were we? The Cruciatus Curse…"

Hours later I found myself in my room, studying for an upcoming test together with Helena and Tristan, the two I got most along with. It always surprised me how much the latter, despite being always so friendly and decent to us, kept to himself. I had grown up with Tristan as much as with the other five, yet he was the one I knew the least of all. He always was willing to listen to us during the moments we just could not take being locked up here anymore. We all had those, frequently- but we never had to listen to him.

"So, that thing with Isis… Heavy, was it?" I said, unable to forget about the incident in class earlier.

Helena shrugged and Tristan mainly gave a distracted nod, continuing to jot things down on his piece of parchment.

"I don't know if it was _heavy. _It seemed better than the Cruciatus to me" Helena replied eventually. For one moment I was too distracted by the way she flicked her hair over her shoulder to take in her words. Hellie and I had been best friends for as long as I could remember: always hanging around in each other's rooms, even when it was strictly not allowed. Two years ago we had even once managed to sneak out for a midnight swim. We had not been caught, thank Merlin, but our guts to do it had evidently surprised, and scared us us so much that we had never done an attempt for such a thing again.

"Maybe" I said absently. "But Isis…"

"Isis always gets in trouble" Helena reminded me. "It was entirely her fault, as usual".

"So you didn't feel bad? For her, I mean…" I was only lightly surprised to discover that I was evidently the only one who had felt an attempt of pity for Isis.

"No, not really. Besides, she'll live" Helena added. Even Tristan nodded his agreement to that.

"Fine." I could do nothing but let the subject rest, once again feeling like I was the outcast. There were certain moments, moments like these, when I truly felt I did not belong here. My ideas sometimes differed greatly from everyone else's, if only slightly like now. At times I even wondered what would become of me as a Death Eater, doing things I was secretly certain of my mind would not approve of. But that was for later concern. First, I had to study for this upcoming test so I would not follow in Isis's footsteps.

At seven o'clock that evening Narcissa accompanied the house elf that brought the dinners to our rooms.

"Hello, Ralph" she greeted me pleasantly. I was always happy when she stopped by; she was usually very friendly and sometimes stayed for a little chat.

"I've got your dinner over here'.

"Thank you" I nodded, taking the tray from the elf. "What's for supper today?"

"I'm afraid it's not all that impressive" Narcissa replied apologetically. "We're having a small dinner downstairs tonight, with all the Death Eaters and their spouses, so I can't stay".

"That's all right" I said, ignoring the pang of disappointment that surged through me. I only knew of mothers and what they were like from the books in the library, a limited choice of fiction, but I knew that Narcissa was the closest thing to a mother we had. None of us knew who our parents were. When we were younger, we would discuss this subject on a regular basis, but we had given up. We just had to be patient. On our coming of age ceremony we would discover it all. We had come to the conclusion, however, that our parents had to be Death Eaters. Would they be present at the dinner tonight? My heart started to beat faster at the thought of being in the same house as my parents. I longed to have parents so much, especially a mother. To have someone who loved you unconditionally, that seemed great.

"Sleep well tonight" Narcissa said. Before I had a chance to wish her the same, she was gone. I knew from experience that she was mostly very anxious for these social occasions, so I did not blame her in the least.

"Ralphie". I looked up from my study book at the sound of Helena's voice. It was already 11 PM, an hour past bedtime. Now that our teachers were so busy with their guests, though, we saw the occasion fit to disregard our rules a little. Even more than usual.

"I was afraid you'd be asleep already. Move over, will you?'. Helena pushed me further to the side of the bed and laid down besides me. "I got lonely in my room".

Helena and I often laid together like this, just as friends, chatting till late at night.

"Lonely is easily solved" I smiled, pretending to still be studying, while I in fact was very much distracted by her fruity perfume.

"It's very warm, isn't it?"

I nodded absently. We were only nearing April, but it was quite warm for this time of the year, especially when you were locked up for the majority of the week, like us. It was like the heat made me more aware of Helena next to me than before. I wondered if she felt the same way, but I did not dare ask.

"Aren't you going to ask?" she glanced at me sideways, her eyes still as light blue as ever, illuminated only by the moonlight. She made thinking so difficult. What had she asked again? Oh yes.

"Ask? What should I ask, Hellie?"

'You know… about me and Troy".

Why was she starting about this now? That fight between me and my brother over her, on my birthday, was nearly a month ago now, and all that time we had not mentioned Troy a single time. At least not in a conversation of importance. Had something happened that made her bring it up now, something new ? Or had she been wanting to get it of her chest for all this time? Sometimes girls confused me, especially Isis, though. Helena was always very clear to me. Except now; this was strange.

"What about you and him?" I was not sure if I really wanted to find out. What I was about to hear might hurt the feelings I was so carefully trying to hide.

"A while ago, when the Dark Lord was here? Well, Troy and I, we did some things…" She looked hesitant now; a light frown on her forehead. I noticed for the first time in our life the way her thin, white nightgown showed of feminine curves she had not possessed yet a year ago. Had Troy noticed this too the night the Dark Lord had been here? Is that why he had started touching her?

"Hellie, I don't think I want to know…" I muttered, looking away from her captivating eyes. Not only did I not want to know the things she and my brother had done for the mere reason that Troy was my brother; I also did not want to know because I feared he would give me ideas. I did not want to do such… dirty things to Helena. The kind of things Troy had done to Isis. Hellie could not become like her; they seemed quite opposites, and that was why I liked Helena so much and Isis not. But why was I so opposed to knowing about her and Troy? Deep down, I knew, of course. It had everything to do with that night when we snuck out for a midnight swim, two years ago, when we were still children of only fourteen…

_Everything was beautiful in the moonlight. Being here without permission was strictly forbidden; that made it all the more exciting. I couldn't help but watch Helena as we hurriedly undressed and dived into the lake in the back of the Manor's garden. She looked very pretty, more than I had ever realised she was. Her hair was long, and in this light it looked almost gold, less pale than it was during the day. __I wondered if she was watching me, too. _

_We were so frightened of being heard that we did not dare speak a word, not even a whisper. Still we were here. __We had to be, for I was certain we would have choked in the heat of our rooms had we stayed there. It was so much more difficult in the summer to be locked up here. As small children we could do nothing but take our situation for granted, but as we got older and grew more conscious of the differences between us and the many characters in the books we read, that became more difficult. That realisation was a slow process, and it all led to the moment where we had ended up here. To the now. _

_We continued to swim silently for a while; it was easy to remember how to do it. Mrs. Malfoy had taught us to swim here once, many years ago, on a warm Sunday after noon._

"_Ralph" Helena whispered eventually, the sky getting colder and the wind blowing faster. "We should get back". _

_I nodded, and we climbed out of the lake to let ourselves dry up sufficiently before we put our clothes back on. This too, we did in silence. I was unsure if the only reason we did not speak was because we were afraid to be caught, perhaps we were shy with each other after all. It seemed weird; Hellie and I had never been shy with each other before. _

_It was over much too soon, I realised that when she stood before me in her white nightgown. __This was supposed to be a very special moment, our moment. We had done nothing to make it so, apart from the secret swim. There was a grand conflict inside of me at that moment and it was only slowing things down. I was not the kind of person to be impulsive, but tonight I saw it as the only way to get what I wanted. To get what I was not even sure I wanted. My lips quickly found Helena's, and I kissed her clumsily for what seemed an eternity, though it really could not be more than several seconds. When we broke apart, the look on her face was not at all what I had intended it to be. There was confusion and shock instead of joy and whatever else a girl should feel when a boy kissed her. And then she ran away from me. Her reaction caught me off guard; I had not intended to hurt her or frighten her at all. My heart beating fast, I followed her back inside the Manor where we silently said good night and departed to our rooms. I was not silent out of shyness now; I felt all words had deserted me. The shame I felt against my best friend now was the worst I had ever had to endure and therefore I promised myself to never mention this incident again. _

Helena stared at me; I realised I must have been dreaming off again. I did that a lot.

"Sorry "I muttered, and laid my arm around her so she could rest her head on my shoulder; another habit of us. She said nothing about Troy anymore, and I wondered if perhaps she too were thinking back to that moment we had shared so long ago. Did she understand what I was feeling?

"He doesn't want me anymore". So we were back at the subject after all. Her voice did not sound sad or melancholic, though, it merely sounded as if she were making a statement.

"Oh…". It was all I could say, and I felt like an idiot for not comforting her, but did she even need comfort? Judging by appearance she did not, after all.

"He gave some silly reason that confused me" Helena continued, watching my reactions closely. What did she want from me tonight?

"I'm sorry, Helena." I hardly meant it; how could I be sorry that my brother, my rival did not want her? Did this not give me all the more abilities? But what kind of abilities?

"Let's not talk about this anymore" she said after a while, curling up in a ball around me. I set the alarm clock an hour earlier so that she would be able to leave before Narcissa could find us. I stroked her blond hair gently, listening to her regular breathing after she had fallen asleep. The more she talked of Troy, the more I became opposed to the idea of them two together. I didn't feel anyone else had the right to lay with Helena like this, to hold her the way I did. That was only for me, and certainly not for my twin brother who thought girls were for his pleasure alone and were incapable of deciding things for their own. Helena was very much capable of making her own decisions, and I would personally see to it that she would make the right ones.


	4. Isis

**Chapter Three: Isis**

It wasn't hard to find out what they all thought of me. I knew they all thought I was a slut; and why shouldn't they? They had all the reason in the world to consider me as such, for to the outside world it must look as if I craved the attention of every man around the house. But I did not. I merely sought solutions for my lack of good grades.

When we were younger things were still all right. I wasn't the best student of the seven of us, far from it, but I got by. However, the older we got, the harder the work we had to do became and the more the amount increased. I could just not keep up; I still remember my despair about it. It wasn't that I did not try, for I tried very hard, but I just couldn't do it. And then Rodolphus said he would 'help' me. I had mixed feelings about the way he helped me. It hurt, and he often made me do some very humiliating things that would leave me crying in my bed secretly all night after he had left. But I also liked the special attentions he gave me. And sometimes when I was good he'd make it hurt less, and then it was almost nice. And he gave me good grades. He said I was his girl, and that I was better than the others, better than Helena; my competition. But it wasn't always like that. Sometimes I couldn't please him no matter how hard I tried, and then he'd punish me. It would hurt for days, and in classes I would not dare to look up at him. Even if he asked me a question, I would keep my eyes directed on the books or the desk in front of me. He had the perfect ability to make me feel like a small, incapable child. When he did that I truly wished I did not exist or could just disappear.

Tonight, I had managed to please Rodolphus. He had left some ten minutes ago and now I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor, trying to calm down. There had been nothing special about tonight. He'd come to my room, told me some silly reasons for visiting which I pretended to believe, and then he took me to bed. When I felt the pain I tried to console myself with the thought that surely he wouldn't take the time for any of the other children like this, even if it was something dirty he did now. It still made me different from the others, less lonely, for Rodolphus was there with me, spent time with me, talked to me and touched me. Not the way I would have liked, but was it not better than nothing at all?

I hugged myself by wrapping my arms around my legs. The floor was cold, but it did not matter. I wished I didn't have to feel like this. How could I be so ungrateful? I had more than the others, I had real attention from one of the adults, and yet all I could do was whine now. Surely if Rodolphus knew he would stop visiting me? But deep down I kneew. Of course I knew, that what he did to me was wrong.

We may not be like normal children, but we had colds and other minor illnesses too. Whenever we felt bad we asked Mrs. Malfoy for a potion, and we would feel better. However, for some reason I felt reluctant to go to Narcissa when I was struck with nausea. I did not know what was wrong with me, but I felt strange. Like I had to keep this for myself or something terrible would occur. Something did. I missed my period that month, and the next month I missed it again. This is when I first started to realise I was not merely suffering from a stomach flu. But how was I supposed to know what was wrong? We knew nothing of our anatomy or of how our bodies worked. We were taught how to be Death Eaters, not healers.

On a Friday after noon I was in the library with Dimitri, my partner for a Potions project. Dimitri was usually very kind and decent, and never seemed to be able to reach the level of popularity Troy and Jason had. He always did his best in classes, though, and got the desired results most of the time. I wasn't sure what made him less of a leader than Troy and Jason. Perhaps it were his looks; they were less strikingly handsome and intimidating, though not at all unappealing to lay eyes on. Or was it his lack of dominance? With Troy, everything he did expressed leadership and power. Jason tried to be the same. Dimitri tried to be himself. I suppose that's what made him remain in the background, for we had learned at a very young age already that as a Death Eater you had to be anything but yourself.

"Can you look up that book about Medieval Potion-making?" he asked me after about half an hour of silent research. I nodded and stood up to go and find it. I passed the Charms- book section, full of tips for hair-curling and colouring that evidently belonged to Narcissa, and after that the section with books about Healing- the Malfoy Manor appeared to have books on every possible subject. As I passed the latter, my eye caught a book called: _Pregnancy for the Healthy Witch. _Somehow I _had _to pick it up and open it. Of course it was pretty clear then, what was bothering me. I was carrying this… this _foetus _inside of me, and it was going to be a disaster.

"Isis, is everything okay? Can't you find the book?". Dimitri's voice brought me back down to earth and I opened my eyes to see him standing over me with a worried look in his brown eyes. Had I fainted?

"I'm all right" I muttered, sitting up and blinking against the suddenly so bright light of the library. The secret I had only just discovered was casting a cloud over what was supposed to be a quiet after noon; Rodolphus was away on a mission with Lucius and Bellatrix; we were free to talk and do as we wished, though we remained of course limited to the walls of our wing in the Malfoy Manor, and could not do anything against Narcissa's rules.

"You don't look that all right" said Dimitri, helping me up on a chair. "You look all pale".

"We all look pale because we get too little sunlight" I reminded him sadly. The lack of sunlight often caused discussions between Narcissa and Bellatrix, I knew. The Manor was very big, but we could always catch a few words here and there. Bellatrix found that daily vitamins and open windows could make up for it, but Narcissa was of the opinion that nothing could replace fresh air and pure sunlight for growing children.

Dimitri sat down besides me and stared at the Potions book on his lap. "Look. I know things… happen here. I'm not a loony".

His words made me look up worried. Was he talking about what I feared he was? Was my… affair with Rodolphus not a secret after all? Had I failed?

"What do you mean?"

"I know Rodolphus visits you sometimes, when it's night. In the dark… I'm not sure but I think I know what kind of things he does to you, and I think they're wrong… "

I didn't know what made Dimitri talk of this suddenly; never before had he even hinted at knowing about it, but we had of course never been together like this without any of the adults around.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I said quickly, perhaps too quickly. Rodolphus often made me promise I would keep our _little secret _between us, or bad things might happen. I always did my best, wanting to please him, though I was certain his wife knew about us. Rumour had it she had an occasional affair too, but I could imagine she wouldn't be thrilled that her husband had an affair with a girl my age.

"Yes you do, I can see it in your eyes. Don't deny it, Isis". Dimitri seemed determined to get the truth out of me, and deep in my heart I longed to be able to tell him. It would be wonderful to get my secret off my chest for once. Not the new secret, of that thing that was apparently growing inside of me. Though on the other hand: I longed to stay out of trouble, aware of many other, painful and humiliating things Rodolphus could do to me.

I supposed the hesitation clearly showed on my face; I had never been brilliant at Occlumency, though it was not for my lack of trying.

"I won't tell anyone". Dimitri's voice sounded softer than I had ever heard it, and in a way it was consoling. It also frightened me, for I knew it was easy to give in when he talked to me so soothing and understanding. Things were too risky for me to give in to him, and at the moment I was weakened myself: confused and unaware of what exactly I was getting myself into, yet aware of the fact that it would be very, very bad and would perhaps change everything for me and my future.

It wasn't until the next evening that I went to Dimitri's room. I felt I had no other choice but to share my secret with at least one person. Somehow the previous after noon he had made me feel like I could trust him, and what else could I do? I clung to the offered trust desperately, as if it were all I had. I suppose it truly was. Going to Rodolphus was not an option, I was too afraid. If I would I might find out that he didn't truly care about me, something I already knew deep down, but refused to face so far. And even if I did want to go to him, he was still away on business with Lucius and Bella, and I did not feel I could wait any longer.

It was dark when I entered his room; I hadn't even knocked. Dimitri was laying on his bed, reading, and I just stood there in the doorframe. The room was illuminated only by candlelight, a soft breeze coming through the half-opened window.

"Dimitri". I called him softly, standing still rather hesitant; dressed only in my white nightgown that showed innocence I no longer possessed. Had not possessed in a long while.

Dimitri reached for his wand right away, having always been taught to never lower your defences and always be ready for an attack of surprise. But then he noticed it was only me, and he relaxed.

"Isis, it's in the middle of the night, you scared me".

"Do you remember that you said yesterday that… that you wouldn't tell anyone, if I told you something? A secret?" I started hesitantly. I wasn't used to this, talking to someone about something important. We always had to solve everything ourselves, deal with it through nightmares and endless pondering and pain.

"Of course". Dimitri sat up , making room on his bed for me to sit down, which I did not do.

"Well you're right" I whispered, approaching him after all. "about what you thought of Rodolphus and me…" my voice seemed to go on a steady decrescendo with every word I used. "He does stuff to me sometimes… Stuff I don't always like".

"I'm sorry Isis" Dimitri said. He had something calm about him that appealed to me. He was a good listener, I had noticed lately. Also in small talk conversations, he always seemed to remember afterwards what everyone had said.

"It's not just him, you see" I said vaguely. "It's my fault too. If I were as smart as all of you I wouldn't have to… compensate. Rodolphus gives me higher grades than I deserve, but I have to do something in return". It sounded odd, when I talked of myself like that, but I felt Dimitri might not judge me for being a little less smarter, not the way Troy always liked to judge those who weren't as good as he was.

"That doesn't feel like the right way to do it, though" Dimitri replied. We both knew, of course, that if there was such a thing as _the right way _when you were being raised and educated by Death Eaters. Their word or ways were always law, no matter how unpleasant, painful or unfair they were to us.

"That doesn't matter now" I said, now sitting down lightly on the very edge of his bed. "The thing is I… I haven't been feeling well in a while. I was nauseous a lot, and other things… And then I read this book yesterday, and Dimitri, I think… I think what's wrong with me is that there's this… this _thing _inside of me" . The sentence ended in a dry sob of despair.

"What? Is, what thing?" He looked positively alarmed, and I could not blame him. He must not have a clue of what I was talking about – how could he? I didn't even understand.

I took a deep breath. "A foetus".

I could see my despair mirrored in Dimitri's eyes. The point was that we both realised that every misstep, _any _misstep could lead to the most terrible things in this house. We had to live up to a lot of expectations to be able to remain here, as the Dark Lord's future army. Every day the pressure increased, as we got closer to coming of age.

"Sweet Merlin, Isis, we have to get rid of it!". I noticed he said _we_. I had made him a part of my failure now, without really meaning to. All I had ever meant to do was tell someone so I wouldn't feel so locked up with my secret.

"I…I don't know how" I whispered, despite everything agreeing with what he said. I had no idea what it was like to be pregnant, to be a mother. But I knew everything about what they would do to me if they found this out. I was supposed to be perfect, perfectly trained and disciplined when I would join the Dark Lord. Certainly they wouldn't count a _mother _as perfect.

I started to cry as I realised all this, realised how much of a lost cause I truly was.

"Shh, it's all right" Dimitri promised me, laying his arm loosely over my shoulder. "I've got it, I'll solve this for you". He was sweet, and I wanted to believe him. Yet I should have known, then, that there was no one in this house I could truly trust…But silly as I was, and naïve, I believed him. I had long since stopped trusting my elders, my teachers, but Dimitri was like me. Also a _child_, not yet an adult. I was silly enough to think he would be on my side and wouldn't want to get personal gain from my misery.

The next morning already things were wrong, so wrong. I had fallen asleep thinking everything would be all right, after Dimitri had brought me back to my room early in the morning. But now I was awoken by the loud sound of a door being thrown open. As I opened my eyes lazily, still adjusting to the bright morning light, I found the tall and frightening appearance of Bellatrix over me.

"Well, well" she said, shaking her head slowly. "Little slut got herself knocked up, has she?"

The little colour I still had left in my face drained away. Dimitri had betrayed me? No one else knew, not Rodolphus, no one. It had to be him… The nausea I was already feeling got worse as I realised that I had lost the friend I had so briefly had. And he had never been a true friend after all. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out, feeling more hurt over what _he _had done to me than over the fact I was most likely in awful trouble right now.

"With my husband, no less". Bellatrix's tone was ice cold, full of malice and the promise of punishment. The grin on her face was so evil I couldn't bear myself to face her longer than a second.

Before I knew it she had grabbed me by the hair and dragged me out of bed. I was wandless, weak, unprepared.

"Please ma'am" I eventually cried, tears of self-pity and fear running down my cheeks; a salty taste in my mouth when I swallowed. "I didn't … didn't mean to, I'm sorry"

"Do you think I care what, or rather : _who _my husband does in his spare time?!" Bellatrix's voice said harshly, sending shivers down my spine. She ignored my pleading and continued.

"Did you think he was the only one seeking his pleasure elsewhere when I was preoccupied or away??"

I trembled in fear as I tried to think of what to answer, though this was spared me when she continued with her rant.

"No! But what I do care about is the indiscretion of the both of you!". She let go of my hair, and I fell to the floor in a pathetic little heap, trying to calm my breathing down and regain some of my dignity.

"Did you think yourself special? " Bellatrix's voice had gone from shrill shrieking to sugar sweet so quick it was frightening. "Did you think you were the only girl he did these things to? Did he tell you that, that you were his special little prize?" her voice was close to my ear now, polluting my mind, making it unable to think about my answers and pleas, and very much able to think of what she could do to me with that infamous wand of hers…

"Did he?!" a sharp jerk on my hair brought me down to earth.

"Yes" I whispered, feeling like I was choking with all these held-back sobs and fear still building up. "Yes madam"

"Let me help you out of the dream, you are _nothing _but a little plaything to my husband" she said coldly. " _Nothing, _and he could replace you any time_". _

Of course I already knew this, but it still stung to have her say it so directly in my face. Sometimes I had dreamed that Rodolphus truly meant the things he said sometimes, when he was in a good mood and I was doing well with what he wanted me to do.

"You should have been smarter, Isis, but of course that's easier said than done for you?". Her hand enclosed around my upper arm and dragged me to a sitting position on my still unmade bed. I wasn't sure what hurt more: her steel grip on my arm or her words.

"You're to be pure, well-educated in the Dark Arts, and not used to or not want anything else but to serve the Dark Lord, and him alone, when you come of age. Do you think you will make a good Death Eater with a child whining for you?" Bellatrix shook me hard when I said nothing. "_Do you?!"_

"No!" I sobbed now, wanting her to stop, to have this be over. I hadn't even truly thought of a child. Had hardly realised that this foetus would indeed grow out to be a baby. We hadn't been taught much of this subject, but such basics even we knew.

"And yet you risk displeasing the Dark Lord for your own personal pleasure, while you should be concerned with nothing but earning _his _appreciation!"

Didn't she know, didn't she understand that it wasn't me who had started the sexual encounters with Rodolphus? Didn't she want to see, or was she merely trying to make me feel worse because I had risked upsetting or displeasing the Dark Lord? I suspected the latter.

"If you displease the Dark Lord" Bellatrix continued, the look in her eyes almost wild, "we are all punished. Me, the Malfoys, your beloved Rodolphus… We are to be your role models. Your teachers. We're responsible for your mistakes. So do you think I 'like' seeing you and my husband this reckless?"

Again I didn't reply, I was paralysed with fear, with thoughts running through my head. It seemed to upset her though, for the next thing I heard: _"Crucio!"_

The pain was excruciating, unbearable. My bones, every single little bone in my body, were on fire, were burning, burning endlessly. Even my nails, my teeth, my hair, they all seemed to hurt. I heard someone screaming, a strange, almost primal sound. It didn't even occur to me to think that it could be me: all sense and logic had abandoned me, as did all self-control. I thrashed and trembled on my bed, hitting my head on the side in the process. Would it ever stop?

It did stop. When I noticed it was over, my head throbbed painfully, my vision was all blurred, and Bellatrix's harsh, cold voice sounded miles away, though I was sure she was bowing over to look at me closely.

"Silly, silly girl" she muttered, taking a potion from the inside of her robes. "but the Dark Lord won't have to hear of your and my husband's sins. Not if we solve them in time…"

It took me a while to take in her words. I heard them, but it took longer than usual to understand them too.

"You're going to be a good little girl now and drink this…" . She held the vial to my dry lips, and what else could I do but comply? The look of malice on her face told me it would not be good, this potion was something evil, but I didn't know what. My instincts did tell me to decline, so I tried to turn my head away. It earned me a sharp slap across the face.

"Drink it!" she shrieked. "It's for your pain." An obvious lie, but I drank it, then. I didn't stand a chance against Bellatrix. I never did, and certainly not now, now I was weak from the Cruciatus Curse.

Bellatrix had taken a seat by my bedside, studying me curiously, anxiously every now and then. After about fifteen minutes the potion started to work. It started as a vague stomach cramp, something I got during my periods, but it soon intensified, making me cry out in pain. As I looked down I noticed the front of my nightgown was covered in blood…

"Try not to move too much. That'll only make things… unnecessarily messy and painful for you. It should be over in an hour. Or two".

I wished I was capable of somehow wiping that evil smirk off her face. I wanted to curse her, to hurt her like she was hurting me! And I wanted to hurt Dimitri too, for this was his fault, or at least I saw it that way. But I could do nothing… I could only lay there and writhe in pain, hoping it to be over soon.

The day passed in an odd blur. I felt a pair of soft hands wiping my forehead gently with a wet, cold cloth and after that helping me shower and change into a clean, dry nightgown. I was certain it was Narcissa, though I was barely conscious, even as the worst pain had faded. That evening was the first time I truly came to senses again. I heard voices whispering, so I opened my eyes. The light was too bright, I had to close them again, but by now I had managed to recognise the voices as Bellatrix's and Rodolphus's. He must have returned from his mission.

"She's awake" I heard her say sharply, apparently having noticed my eyes flutter open briefly.

"Isis. I heard about your little accident" said Rodolphus's voice then, suddenly so close to my ear it made me shudder. His breath reeked of Firewhiskey.

"Good thing my Bella solved it, hm? Aren't you grateful?"

My eyes were open now, slowly adjusting to the light, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything in return. I had to be grateful? For the humiliation, the pain she had brought upon me today? But the worst was yet to come, for that evening I did not yet realise she had taken away what could have been my salvation. The child she had murdered, I did not understand. The emptiness in my stomach I associated with hunger. But later on, when I was older, I would begin to see what she had done. I would understand then. Yet now all I saw was Rodolphus standing there in the doorframe with his wife. He, who had been the only one to ever give me some sort of hope, had left and betrayed me too.

They stood there together, like a union I would never be a part of, and laughed at my pain and humiliation. I thought it would last forever, but eventually they left the room. I turned my head away, and wept, alone and in silence.


	5. Dimitri

**Author's Note:** Sorry it took so while!

**

* * *

Chapter 4: Dimitri**

It was never my intention to hurt her. All I wanted was to find a safe way to end this misery for her; she'd already been through so much, Isis. I see now I should have never inquired Bellatrix of her situation. How much of an idiot I was to think her an ally, for what had she ever done besides making our lives as miserable as possible? I had been foolish enough to think her able of concern.

On Monday after noon after our classes, I went to visit her. I did not ask permission or even hint to one of the others that I would do so; it would only bring me in more trouble. It was only when I entered the room that I understood the seriousness of my mistake. Isis lay on her back in bed; her face almost equally white as the pillow. The sheets almost covered her completely; only her small face was visible; her dark eyes sunken deep into their sockets. What had I done to her?

"Isis…" I took a seat on the chair by the edge of her bed. She immediately turned her head away; facing the window through which she undoubtedly tried to picture herself walking around free, as we all did from time to time. The thought of being free was so alien it was never as realistic as some of our other fantasies. What it would be like to be able to go outside any time we liked, for as long as we would like… I know they did promise this to us: when we would be of age, and that day was coming closer and closer now, yet it was still too far away to seem real to any of us. In the mean time we tried to adapt to the circumstances here. As a child, when I was once punished for a minor misstep, I thought things could never get worse than they were at the time, but clearly I had been wrong. I could not put a finger on what it was that was bothering me so; for had I not done the right thing? Had I not helped Isis get rid of that what would have destroyed her life? If I did, then why was she like this? So withdrawn, so… broken?

"Isis why won't you talk to me?"

Her silence was more painful to me than anything else could have ever been. If only she would yell and call me names, or perhaps cry and tell me of the injustice that had been done to her partly because of me. Perhaps then I would understand. Now she gave me the impression that even she did not understand; that this was too grand for her to understand at this point, when we were kept in the dark still about almost everything. It was worse, if this were so; whatever I had done to her was made a hundred times worse. It was no longer something I could apologise for; it was now something that might just continue to haunt me for the rest of my life. The both of us.

***

The following day, Isis came back to class for the first time. It still struck me how pale and thin she looked; almost ghostly. My attempt to talk to her yesterday had failed miserably, and I was still clueless about how she was feeling. Did she look so bad merely because Bellatrix's potion had made her feel so ill? Was it the humiliation of her and Rodolphus's secret coming out? Or was it, perhaps, my betrayal that made her look so utterly broken? Either way, I knew I should not let it bother me so much. Bella had rewarded me greatly for spilling the beans: full marks on my essay of the foundation of the Unforgivable Curses. She hardly ever gave full marks, and the Dark Arts was not my best subject; it was evident to everyone that I had not gotten that grade merely because of my essay. No one said anything about it, though the look both Troy and Jason gave me was rather foul. All secrets within our little group were always covered up by the adults. They knew everything and we knew nothing.

I tried to talk to Isis when we stood at the back of the classroom, waiting for our turn to try out a particularly evil curse with the incantation _Sectumsempra, _on a was shouting things at Tristan who apparently had not yet mastered the correct wand patterns, so it gave us a few minutes of rest.

" I'm glad you're back in class" I said to Isis quietly, my voice quiet to prevent us from being overheard; you never knew, after all. " Are you feeling better?". I knew the question was kind of obvious; she didn't exactly look as if she was.

"I had to come back" she replied, not taking her eyes off what was happening in front of the class; Tristan had now succeeded in bringing some damage to the rat: there was blood dripping from its tail. It was a rather disgusting sight. Maybe Isis wanted to make sure there was not a single point of critique about her that Bellatrix could start about. Paying close attention was one step in that direction.

"Are you… are you still in pain?" My questions were obviously sounding rather rigid, but in my opinion having an awkward conversation was better than no conversation at all. So far, however, it appeared to be a rather one-sided conversation, as Isis kept her eyes directed to the front of the class; her replies came only reluctantly.  
"Not much".

"Is, please…" I did my last attempt; Bellatrix was starting to throw glances at us. Soon it would be our turn to try out this new curse that did not at all draw my attention today. Usually new curses or subjects were welcomed with anxiety and interest, as they were always a new chance to show our capabilities and impress our teachers. Today, though, I could hardly remember the incantation. "Can't we talk about this?" If only I could let her know, that I regretted what I did; since the effect was clearly not what I had intended it to be. I thought I would solve her trouble for her, but instead all I seemed to have done was make things worse. Of course I had known that the affair of Rodolphus and Isis would not be very welcome to Rodolphus's wife, but in the end she would help us get rid of that thing Isis had had growing inside of her. I could not understand how she was so unhappy about that. What would the result be, if she had let it grow? If she had let it be born? Surely that would have ruined her life completely and rid her of all chances to become a Death Eater. I was also certain they would not have let her keep the _child _that the foetus would grow into, and keeping it a secret was an impossible idea: her belly would have grown a lot bigger than it was now. All these particular thoughts had led me to believe that telling Bellatrix was the best thing I could do. I did it for Isis, to make sure she still had a future; to be a Death Eater was what we were born for, not a mother.

"I have to pay attention" was all she said, and I did not know how to make it up, or how to get her to explain about what she was feeling. Undoubtedly she believed our teachers; who were of the opinion that we should not at all be feeling anything. We were supposed to be trained, do our homework and study, and then when we were of age we would put all we had learned to use by serving the Dark Lord. Anything else people might do or want to accomplish in life: love, hobbies, interests, did not apply to us. We were allowed to care about our appearance and do other little things to fill our seldom spare time with, but caring, loving feelings for anyone at all would only distract us during important moments and missions and might keep us from acting the right way. According to this theory, I should not care that Isis was hurt and upset. If I let it bother me, then I could be considered a traitor, then I was not fit to be a Death Eater, and then Troy and Jason would win… How was it possible that I had such feelings that no one else seemed to have? If they did, surely I would be able to tell by the looks on their faces.

"Dimitri, why don't you show us how talented you are" Bellatrix interrupted my alarming thoughts about my own treachery. "Clearly you feel you are so good at it already that you don't see the necessity of paying attention".

With a sigh, I left Isis alone in the back row and trodded forward to prove Bella right: I did not master this curse. There was no doubt she would punish me; my deed earlier this week might have helped me once, but favouritism was a term she was highly unfamiliar with. It was evident that Bella hated the seven of us all equally. She loved every opportunity she got to prove that she was superior and important to the Dark Lord, and not us. Not yet. I for one knew that we would do the best we could to overshadow her one day, even if it was merely to make up for all the injustice she had caused us through the years.

***

A week had passed now and not much about Isis had changed: she still looked ghostly pale and withdrew herself from us as often as she could get away with. In classes she seemed more determined than ever to pay attention, even during the very early morning lessons. Whenever we were not being taught, she spent time doing her homework or studying, and she had even refused to accompany us for the Sunday after noon walk through the grounds with Narcissa. I was certain all of us considered this the most pleasant occasion of the entire week; and no one would voluntarily miss one of these, unless something was seriously wrong. Therefore I concluded: something was seriously wrong. While Isis herself spoke as ilttle to me as she appeared to do to everyone else now, I decided some help from another person was in order. I would have to settle for someone that was close to Isis, or as close as you could get to someone in here. My choice landed on Troy; not a day passed without her giving him longing glances. Or at least it used to be the case; now she did not look directly at anyone. There was still hope she had confided in him; who knew what they did together after hours? Little harm it would cause, to see if Troy could tell me anything that might ease my mind, or perhaps something that would let me help her. I should have known better, of course…

Tonight would be the best time to do so. We had just finished studying in the library, and I waited till Troy and I were the only ones left.

" What is it?" he asked, looking as if he was in the mood for anything but a nice chat.

" I wanted to talk to you about… Isis". I leaned against the bookcase, pretending to be casual about it. How I truly felt, he need not know.

"What about her? We all know what happened to her, don't we?". Troy looked not at all interested, as if he was more concerned about missing dinner then about making sure Isis was all right. He probably was. "Her lack of indiscretion got her in trouble. Of course, this was expected. She's not the brightest one around, is she?"

Troy talked exactly like Bellatrix or our other teachers would do: as if we were nothing but products of the Dark Arts. It made me feel angry, and suddenly I had the most curious desire to defend Isis. After all, if I didn't: who would?

"Don't talk to her like that, you shouldn't" I said, my brow furrowing in suppressed anger. Isis couldn't help it either, that her grades weren't as high as ours. She did do her best, it was a pity that wasn't enough.

"And why wouldn't I?". Troy was starting to sound threatening. Whenever he did that his eyes went from dark brown to midnight black. I could see his jaw tightening and even his nostrils expanded slightly under his effort to stop himself from being aggressive. It was never a good idea to try out Troy's patience, but he was my only chance to understand what was wrong with Isis and why she wouldn't talk to me.

"It isn't her fault. And she didn't ask Rodolphus to do these things to her; he made her".

"I don't know what your problem is, Dimitri, but I have important things to do. Believe me, you don't want to waste your energy on Isis. That girl is a slut and nothing else."

Suddenly it was as if a primal force had taken me over. I could no longer see straight and appeared to be ruled by an uncontrollable anger that left me no choice but to draw my wand. Such reckless behaviour was never a good plan, as our life existed out of discipline and the strictest rules that left no room for emotional outbursts that marked adolescents. We were to be prepared, during these years, to work under the Dark Lord's regime, in which any crime or uncalculated doing could bring death upon us.

I never expected Troy to stop me; as expected, he did not hesitate to draw his wand on me, either, and he dropped the book he'd been holding to ready himself for a duel.  
"Planning to try out your failure of a _Sectumsempra _on me now?" he sneered, clearly greatly enjoying the fact that he was stronger than me and therefore had a great chance of winning, which meant doing serious damage to me. Ruled still by this new instinct, this _fury _, I was not afraid.

"You don't call Isis a slut." My hand trembled lightly as my fingers lay around the slender wood.

"I call Isis whatever the bloody hell I want".

There was only a split second to think; and then at the same time our curses hit each other: Troy's _Crucio _and my _Sectumsempra. _They bumped against each other in the middle; causing them to bounce back slightly. The result: we were both hit by half a Cruciatus curse and several shallow cuts. We must have screamed, for suddenly Narcissa rushed in.  
" Children, please!' she called out, first hurrying over to Troy who had landed half in one of the bookcases. He had what looked like a quite severe cut in his side; I could not hold in a triumphant smile, despite my own bleeding arm and the aftermath of his, admittedly, rather strong Cruciatus curse. And he said I couldn't master _Sectumsempra!  
_  
" What on earth were you doing?!" . Before I knew it she had taken both our wands: a pity, for I had hoped to do some more damage to Troy, perhaps even make him apologise.

" That idiot attacked me" Troy grunted, holding a towel Narcissa had conjured against his wound to stop the bleeding.

Supposedly we were lucky Narcissa had found us and not Bellatrix or Rodolphus, though there was still a pretty fair chance she would tell them about what we had done. The last thing I needed was more punishment: I'd already had an extra essay of a few thousand words because of my failure in Dark Arts class today.

" Dimitri?" Narcissa looked nervous, as if she would rather get this over with as soon as possible. She often made such an impression on us, as if she were constantly worried to be caught doing something. Perhaps it was just the way she treated us, Bellatrix would never talk to us or stick around longer than necessary. We all liked Narcissa and did not want her to be angry with us. Often I was convinced she was the only good thing around here; when I was younger I was always sure of that: sometimes then she would let me sit on her lap. There were vague memories of her singing us to sleep when we were ill or upset. Nothing I could remember clearly, just an image that might as well have been a happy dream.  
Though I was very fond of her, I was not sure if I could trust Narcissa. She was, after all, rather weak. She might have to tell things to her sister and the others teachers; so then it was better if she didn't know all the reasons behind this duel. I decided to say nothing of the cause of it, and could only hope that Troy would conspire with me for this. We may have declared a new enmity now, but we both did not want to be punished.

" I am sorry" I told Narcissa then. " I shouldn't have done this."

" And why have you attacked Troy?" her voice was quiet and preserved, as she always was. Her voice mirrored her character, though I was certain there were a lot of things about Mrs Malfoy we did not know the least thing about.

Stubbornly, I shrugged my shoulders. "No reason, madam".

It was evident she did not believe me; but just as I had hoped she preferred to get this over with quickly and accepted my answer.

"I will return your wands to you in the morning" she promised, and Troy and I both sighed at the thought of an evening without magic, but it was still better than whatever the other teachers would have done to us. "Now go, boys, dinner will be served in a minute."

She need not tell us that twice; without another glance at each other Troy and I hurried to our separate rooms. I let out a heavy sigh as I seated myself at my desk; clearly talking to Troy had not been a good idea and had only rid me of my wand for the night. Naturally I praised myself lucky that Narcissa appeared to keep this to herself, but it was clear this was not the outcome of the talk that I had hoped. At the same time dinner was being served by the house elves, she came in to mend the wound on my arm.

"Dimitri" she said, healing my arm very neatly. "I believe I know why you were so angry with Troy. Did it perhaps have something to do with Isis?"

I cast my eyes downwards: I didn't want to talk about this at all now. Dinner was waiting, and so was a lot of studying for tomorrow I still had to do. Maybe it was really better to stop thinking of Isis.

Narcissa took my silence for a yes, and I could see something in her light blue eyes softening. "Oh, dear boy… "

"I just thought I might be able to help her, if I knew… why she was so sad. I mean, I know she had that miscarriage, but she wouldn't still be in pain, would she?". By the sympathetic look that formed on Narcissa's face now, I could tell that she understood Isis completely. Maybe it had something to do with being a woman, but I simply couldn't see why Isis would be unhappy now her problem had been solved. I hated seeing her unhappy.

"You couldn't possibly understand, Dimitri" the older woman replied gently. "Isis was carrying a child. To have that, a baby growing inside of you… That is a very special thing to experience. Perhaps the best thing in the world". There was a dreamy smile around her lips now, as if she knew. But Narcissa did not have any children, or did she? I was starting to become increasingly curious to discover everything about the world that we were kept from until our seventeenth birthday. I had only just turned sixteen; there was still a long time to wait, but by the time I was of age I was certain there would be many answers to discover. Perhaps also about my own parents. I hoped my mother was like Cissy.

"I only wanted to help her" I replied, feeling ashamed. What I had been feeling for quite a while now was confirmed: instead of helping Isis, I might have ruined everything for her…  
"I know you did". Cissy's fingers caressed my hair gently; it gave me the urge to bury my head in her shoulder and let her rock me to sleep. "And perhaps it was the right thing to do. You may have saved her from a lot of trouble by telling my sister." Her voice, however, told me that what she was saying now was a mere lie. _She _didn't think I had done the right thing. _She _would have risked whatever danger and bad luck to keep that child. If anything, it made me feel worse.

"What can I do? I don't want her to feel like this… or to hate me". To anyone else but Cissy I would not have dared to say this. It would not be as much of a shock to her; deep down she knew all of us very well, I was sure of it. So she would also know that I _did _care about whether Isis hated me or not.

"There's nothing you can do now, I don't think… Let her come to you". Narcissa placed a gentle kiss on my forehead and left me alone.

And she did. Several nights later she suddenly stood in the doorframe again, just as she had on the night she came to tell me she was pregnant. I found her beauty as divine as the goddess she had been named after. This time she did not need to explain herself. I held my hand out to her, and this was all a badly rehearsed déjà-vu. This might as well be our second chance together, _my _chance to show her it was not my intention to hurt her.

The phrase 'are you angry?' laid on my lips, but to speak it out loud would ruin the moment. Was her very presence here not enough to prove that she was not?

"Narcissa says it's okay to be sad" she suddenly muttered, climbing into bed with me. My heart was beating fast; she was so very close. I could smell the scent of her hair, and could have counted her eyelashes had I been able to concentrate.

"Are you sad?"

"No… I'm still alive".

Her words gave me hope and courage, but they confused me as well. I often wondered if what we had here could be called living. In my eyes, a life was freedom: the ability to go outside when you desired so, to put your book away when you were tired of reading, and all of this without an awful punishment.

"But we're not free" I therefore replied.

"No", she smiled sadly. "But we're alive. Can't you feel it?". She placed her hand on my heart, and I worried it would scare her to feel how fast it was beating. "We're alive in there. They can't control what's in there".

It struck me at that moment, how Isis was not less smart at all than we were. She was clever in her own way, and at this moment she could inspire me to feel that in a certain way we were still free. It helped me hang on and be patient until that day when we could finally leave this place.

"I can feel it" I whispered against her hair as I couldn't help but lean in. "You… I want to feel you".

She smiled, and turned around to face me. Her eyes were even more beautiful in the moonlight. "They all do" she said, her voice sad and timid.

I had been tactless, of course, but I had no intention to hurt her like Rodolphus had… Or to use her, like Troy. As I told her this, I could see tears glistening in her dark eyes.  
'I'm not going to sleep with you, Dimitri".

I swallowed hard and removed the hand that I had not even noticed I had placed upon her shoulder.

"I didn't mean…-"

"Yes, you did". And she was right. But I didn't understand her. Why was she here? Why was she sitting in bed with me, then? "I wanted it too", she continued, making less and less sense now.

"Then why…"

"It ruins everything" she explained. "Please, don't make me do it…". Tears rolled down her eyes now, the forbidden tears we were never allowed to cry.

How could I possibly explain to her that I never wanted to 'make' her do anything? And that what I was feeling wasn't bad? I would not even try, certainly not now. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against hers.

"It's okay, I won't , shh" I whispered into her ear as she suddenly clung to me. We sat like that for a while, doing nothing but embrace and soothe each other with meaningless words. Isis cried, and I cried with her.


End file.
